Yesterday, it would have been my Mother’s 64th birthday. Beatles song lyrics aside it got me thinking.
At the moment I am averaging 75 hours a week at work between my two jobs (yeah I took on a second job…) and it is leaving me no space for anything else.
Pragmaticism dictates that I should make hay while the sun shines but I am tired, stressed and irrepressibly angry. The anger is taking me very much by surprise and it’s a constant struggle every day to contain my rage.
It has been playing on my mind over the last week that my Mother who was such a beautiful, loving caring soul had a life filled with tragedies. My heart is pulled to pieces by this and the knowledge that there was no triumph at the end.
I miss her most days anyway. At the moment it is much stronger and I wonder if that’s why my core is so hot, fiery and prickly right now. However, in the search of future positivity I decided to make a list of what I actually want, for myself.
1) To live creatively and express myself through my artworks, designs, writing and performances.
2) Financial freedom.
3) To find love again (Though I find the prospect of a lasting emotional relationship somewhat unlikely)
4) To get married
5) To raise children, in a loving stable home with my partner.
6) Create a Purky Art Farm (A self sustaining small holding with studio and gallery spaces, offering artists somewhere to work and teach)
7) To build and sustain strong relationships and networks, offering something positive to all the people around me.
8) To die at the right time, for the right reason.
And perhaps most importantly of all that all the things I think I ‘Want’ actually bring me happiness and fulfilment or points the way to my ‘Truth’.
Here is a 'Truth' that helps me. This is my Mother's oak tree. Right now it is not much more than a sapling but it will outlive me and quite possibly my grandchildren. As it grows and flourishes, over three hundred different kinds of life will be supported under, over and inside its mighty boughs.
I like to think that my two very talented, hardworking brothers, my amazing sister and myself, are acorns from the oak that was Lynn Joy Pursey. We are growing and building our futures, raising families, loving and living.
Things will get better, you just keep going...
Captain Purky signing off x